


The Love We Deserve

by KHlove065



Category: Glee
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, Husbands, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 04:13:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17358734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KHlove065/pseuds/KHlove065
Summary: Kurt helps Blaine finally let go of his past mistakes and learn to love himself.





	The Love We Deserve

**Author's Note:**

> I am by no means a writer, and this is the first fan fiction I've ever written so please bear with me! I don't know how many people actually read Klaine fan fiction anymore, but this was an idea that came to me recently after watching the finale of Glee. This is the closure I feel Blaine never truly got but wholly deserves. I love the complexity buried beneath Klaine's relationship, it's a beautiful love story that has so much to offer, including so much self discovery for both of them. Thank you for reading!

Blaine sat at the table, hands around a warm coffee mug.

As he sipped, he watched the cars on the street moving in an endless rush, coming and going, honking and blaring. The contrast of the quiet apartment around him made his heart feel warm. A small smile appeared on his lips. It was mornings like this where, in his solitude, he thought about his life that he’s built.

In all honesty, it was a huge accomplishment for Blaine to feel at peace with the quiet morning. He’d spent so long feeling like he didn’t deserve this life, a life of peace and happiness, both when it was just a desire and when it finally happened. He never knew if he could come back from his horrible mistakes and even when he first moved here, with Kurt, he’d spend hours feeling unworthy of a second chance. He’d do anything to fill silence, to distract the thoughts, to be present instead of dwelling on the past. But he felt like he couldn’t fully appreciate his life unless he found closure.

He knew Kurt forgave him. And he told himself that he forgave himself. He told Kurt that he forgave himself. And maybe he did. But not permanently. When Blaine had lost Kurt, both times, the self loathing was endless. It became a part of who he was. When they reunited and married in the blink of an eye, Blaine forgot. For a minute. For a week. For their honeymoon. While they lived in Ohio for those few months. The only thoughts around him were love, peace, contentment, and desire to endlessly cherish this beautiful man in front of him, and for that time Blaine felt relief and hope. Then they moved back to the city, and started life together. And while Blaine didn’t regret marrying Kurt and was still unconditionally in love, the self loathing crept back. It was closure he never got for himself, from himself. It crept back into his subconscious and planted itself there, reminding him that he was the one who ruined everything and he didn’t deserve for Kurt to come back for him like this. He had a chance at a perfect life and he messed it up with a foolish and rash decision. He was stupid and he was worthless. He didn’t deserve this. Blaine decided that he was going to put Kurt first, that was the only way that they could make it work this time. So he pushed the thoughts away and desperately convinced himself that he had forgiven himself, even though deep down he still felt broken and ashamed, but those were normal thoughts that were never going to go away and this was as good as self forgiveness got. Right?

For the sake of their relationship he convinced himself that he was forgiven. But Blaine knew he didn’t love himself. He felt it when he hugged Kurt, and when Kurt was successful at work or school or on stage. He felt it when Kurt complimented him. In the quietest most intimate moments, unconditional love for Kurt was always accompanied by a pang of guilt and an endless stream of self loathing. He’d hold Kurt at night, breathing in his scent. But every push and pull of breath was accompanied with a thought;

You don’t deserve his love

How could you hurt him? He would never hurt you, not intentionally.

Why would you ever do something like that?

What’s to stop you from doing it again? You obviously don’t know how to handle anything.

Blaine knew he could never do something like that again. Even if he got to that place again, to the darkness and despair, he would never resort to that. He loved Kurt. His whole soul belonged to Kurt and everything he wanted to be and do he did for him, to provide him with what he deserved. There was no one like Kurt, not for him, and he would die before he would jeopardize his trust again. It was what kept him alive, his love for Kurt, because he knew deep down he hasn’t loved himself since that horrible night. 

So Blaine put Kurt first. But how could he when the very sight of his Husband smiling made him think of how many tears he caused him? Kurt would compliment him, flirt with him, try to seduce him, and Blaine couldn’t think of a reason why he deserved that from him. 

Blaine’s attempts to ignore his problems and put Kurt first didn’t last long. Kurt knew something was wrong. He first noticed when called Blaine “sexy” and was returned with a flinch and grimace. That wasn’t the Blaine Kurt knew. Blaine was confident, charming, and could hold himself in any conversation. His Blaine would effortlessly flirt back, retorting with a comment far more witty and sophisticated than Kurt’s. And Blaine loved attention, Kurt knew this very well. So when Blaine shied away from Kurt’s teasing, Kurt instantly knew two things; Blaine was feeling insecure about something and he desperately needed Kurt’s help even if he wouldn’t acknowledge it. Kurt was getting better at reading Blaine, something Blaine had always been able to do easily for Kurt. His first instinct was to close himself off and make up some reason for why Blaine was feeling insecure, maybe that he was jealous of Kurt or unhappy with their new life. But Kurt knew that this was different. This time was for real. They were married, they were together finally after stupid mistakes and endless arguments and there was no way in hell he would let Blaine go again and he certainly wouldn’t get anywhere with old habits. Kurt was stubborn and prideful, but if Blaine was struggling, Kurt knew this was the time where he needed to try harder, because this was his husband now and he loved him more than anything. Kurt was more sure of himself now than when they were engaged before. He was more comfortable with vulnerability and even if the results hurt him he knew he needed to be the strong one and take the step for both of them because he trusted Blaine more than anyone and he wanted this to work.

One night after dinner, Kurt sat at the kitchen table while Blaine stood at the sink washing the dishes, his back turned to Kurt. Kurt observed him. His posture was slumped and his head hung slightly and Kurt could almost see him thinking. Kurt had noticed that when Blaine was left with silence his mind wandered and that’s when his mood began to shift, when he was left to just his own thoughts. Kurt didn’t know if it would be better to bring this up now, or when Blaine was feeling more confident, but he couldn’t wait any longer. The small distance between them that neither of them had outrightly acknowledged was killing him, and he desperately wanted his husband whole again.  
Kurt stood and walked towards Blaine, wrapping his arms around his waist and placing a kiss to his neck.

“Who knew domesticity was such a turn on, huh?” he whispered, moving his kisses up Blaine’s neck to his ear. As expected, Blaine squirmed and flinched, so quickly that no one would notice except for Kurt, who did notice. It was as if Blaine was trying to hide this, to fake what he was feeling for Kurt. Kurt decided to go further. He nibbled on Blaine’s ear. “Turn around,” he whispered into Blaine’s ear. Blaine turned around with the slightest bit of reluctance, which only Kurt would notice. And he did. Kurt placed a firm kiss on Blaine’s lips and moved along his jaw, back to his ear. Blaine, who was expecting Kurt to whisper something dirty in his ear, braced himself for the self loathing that would follow. Instead, Kurt surprised him and whispered, “Please Blaine. Please talk to me. I’m here for you and I love you.”

Kurt pulled back to look Blaine in the eyes. Blaine stared back unable to hide his emotions, caught by surprise and overwhelmed with love and pain. Kurt stared into his amber eyes and saw, fear? embarrassment? He couldn’t really tell but he knew he had got him. 

“Please,” he whispered quietly, lacing their fingers. Blaine just stared back, sorting out things in his head. Kurt saw it before he heard it. A single sob racked through Blaine and then he shut his eyes. Kurt instantly embraced him. Blaine melted into his shoulder, a steady stream of tears flowing now. Kurt held him while he sobbed, trembling and gasping. He rubbed circles into his back and kissed his hair, thinking of what he could possibly say. He decided against saying anything, allowing Blaine a moment to just cry.

Finally Blaine’s tears slowed and his breathing steadied. He wrapped his arms around Kurt’s waist and firmly hugged him back now. “I hate myself,” he whispered. Kurt pushed on his shoulders, drawing him back to look into his eyes. “What?” he gasped. Kurt knew Blaine’s history with depression, he had been there with him many times before but he couldn’t possibly understand why now. Why? They had just gotten married. Was Blaine unhappy with the marriage? Was Blaine wishing he hadn’t gone through with it that day in the barn? Kurt’s mind raced and his breathing began to increase. Was he about to lose him again? Oh god, he couldn’t, not again. But the overwhelming thought came to the front of his mind; I love him so much. So Kurt put his own worries aside and focused on Blaine. “Blaine why?” he whispered.

Blaine looked away and bit his lip. He exhaled loudly and turned back, looking at his hands. “I-I don’t deserve you Kurt. I-I hurt you and I know you forgive me,” he paused and closed his eyes, a single tear slipping down his cheek. “But I don’t know why you would forgive me. I don’t deserve love, or a second chance, or this happy life we have and god I certainly am not worthy of you. I-I have never forgiven myself and I don’t think I ever will. I hate myself! God, I hate myself so much!” He rambled, getting increasingly louder and drawing his hands from Kurt into fists.

“Blaine. Blaine stop,” Kurt grabbed his hands. He lifted his chin to look him straight in the eye. “What are you even talking about? Wait, are you- is this about Eli?” Kurt marveled. That was so far behind them. Or at least that’s what Kurt thought. He had forgiven Blaine completely, he had long moved past that and wholly rebuilt his trust with Blaine, and he thought Blaine had too. Why was he bringing this up? How long had this been bothering him?

Blaine stepped back a step and put his hands around his waist, “Kurt I can’t even look at you smile without remembering the pain you went through- we went through, because of me! I almost lost you twice and both times it was because of that stupid mistake I made. I am so stupid and I can’t even believe I did that. But I don’t even want to be around myself Kurt! I haven’t loved myself since then and I feel so insecure and I can’t love you without hating myself.” Blaine talked and Kurt let him, but he shook his head. This was all so wrong? How could Blaine feel like this? He wanted to lay him down and show him how much he loved him, how beautiful and special he was but he knew that wasn’t the right way to handle this. What could he say though? 

“Blaine look at me,” he started, waiting until Blaine raised his head and looked back at him. “I love you. I love you so much. To me you are everything, everything okay? I can’t do this without you.” He paused and stepped closer to him. Blaine didn’t come closer but he also didn’t back away. Kurt took this as a sign to continue. “First of all Blaine, you were eighteen when that happened. And as much as you want to wholly put the blame for that time on yourself you have to remember that you did that because of the way I treated you. Remember?” Blaine nodded slowly. “I hurt you just as much as you hurt me then. And god the second time Blaine, that was me. I called it off. And I know that we both had things we needed to work on. But it was my stubbornness that drove us to almost lose each other again. Blaine I forgive you, I know you know that. I love you with every ounce of being that I have. Why didn’t you tell me you haven't forgiven yourself?” he reached and grabbed Blaine’s hand. Blaine stepped closer.

“Because you deserve more, Kurt,” he said softly. “You deserve a happy life and you deserve for that to be behind you. I tried to pretend it was behind me because I thought pretending would eventually make it so, but I’ve never fully forgiven myself. And the self loathing, well I-I carry it with me everyday,” he sighed and nestled his face into Kurt’s neck trembling slightly. Kurt gently walked them over the living room, sitting them down on the couch. He took Blaine’s hands.

“I don’t want you to feel like this, but if you are, you can’t hide it from me, okay?” He looked at Blaine, who nodded. “We deserve each other. You are the only person I want. You are not a bad person Blaine. You never have been. You are the kindest person I know. You’re the most generous person I know. Your optimism, your genuineness, it lights up every room and I am not only so deeply in love with you but also deeply humbled that I get to be your husband,” Blaine wiped tears from his eyes. “Look I wish I could make you love yourself the way I love you and I wish I could make you forgive yourself, but I can’t. But I can tell you that I love you and I forgive you and I am going to help you get through this, you just have to keep letting me know how you feel,” Kurt finished, bringing his own hand to wipe away Blaine’s tears and to caress his face.

“I love you so much,” Blaine whispered. “Thank you. Thank you, baby. I-I love you forever,” and with that he started bawling again. Kurt scooted forward and wrapped him in his arms. Blaine clung to him, crying so hard with relief and guilt that eventually he feel asleep. Kurt carried him to their bed. He undressed him and laid him gently under the covers. After getting ready for bed, he crawled in beside him and held him, placing kisses all over his face and whispering “I love you” endlessly into his hair. 

Blaine took a sip from his mug and remembered that night fondly. He was foolish to think he could hide that from Kurt. After that night, everything changed. Something had grown between Kurt and Blaine, a new understanding and compassion, the foundation for a trust that was so solid Blaine began to see a hope. Blaine started going to therapy, sometimes alone, sometimes with Kurt. They helped each other, speaking honestly and openly about their feelings with each other. With time, Blaine started gaining confidence, Kurt constantly reminding him how beautiful he was or how talented he was. They wouldn’t leave each other without saying “I love you” and Kurt always made sure to tell Blaine how much he deserved to be happy that day. Blaine began to make love to Kurt again with no feelings of guilt, only unrestricted love for his breathtaking husband. 

A honk of a horn from the street down below brought Blaine out of his thoughts, and he took another sip from his mug. He felt that peace again, the happiness that came when he looked around the tiny apartment, quiet but cozy, and heard Kurt quietly snoring from the room behind him. It was silent, but Blaine no longer felt trapped by the silence. His thoughts didn’t wander to a self loathing place. In fact, it was the silence, the simplicity of it all, of his life with his amazing husband in their tiny apartment, a life he deserved, that overcame him with gratitude, happiness, and peace. And then it hit him.

He almost dropped his mug onto the table. He stood grinning, and ran into the bedroom. Jumping onto the bed, he attacked a still sleeping Kurt with a fierce kiss, roaming hands pulling at Kurt’s clothes and touching any skin he could reach.

“Wha-,” Kurt mumbled, hair tousled and eyes droopy. “B-Blaine,” He breathed between kisses. “Blaine- what- what are you doing honey,” he moaned when Blaine slipped his hand into Kurt’s pajama pants and began stroking his half hard morning erection to fully hard. 

“I forgive myself,” Blaine breathed, mouthing at Kurt’s neck and sucking the delicious skin there. He pulled back slightly, hovering barely above Kurt’s lips looking intently into his blue eyes. “I finally forgive myself. Completely,” Kurt surged up to capture Blaine’s mouth in a passionate kiss, parting his lips to allow Blaine into his mouth and sucking on his tongue. Blaine stroked Kurt faster, and Kurt threw his head back groaning loudly. He raised his head and looked into into Blaine’s eyes. Blaine looked back and saw love, pride, acceptance, lust, and desire all rolled into Kurt’s eyes which softened even more when he saw Blaine smile wider. 

“Well then,” Kurt breathed. “How about you finally let me show you just how much love you truly deserve, my incredibly sexy, handsome, and wonderful husband,” He grabbed the back of Blaine’s neck and crashed their lips together into searing kiss full of love and admiration. Blaine sighed into the kiss and knew deep down that this was the life he deserved and he was so grateful to be living it, and that this was what true happiness felt like. 

“Sounds perfect to me,” he smirked, flipping them over and letting Kurt take over, trusting him with everything he had. 

end


End file.
